ahem. calum, i've never been that proper at maths but i think it was approximately 730 days (17,520 hours, 1,035,000 minutes) ago, almost to the second that you unexpectedly truly entered my life. i didn't know it before then or even at the time, but every single moment before you feels like i was waiting for something. stepping stones to what i have been waiting- not even looking for, my entire life. i wasn't sure what it was but it came to me and bam there you were, a 6 foot tall boy with a ridiculous smile approaching me discussing pitbull puppies and you promptly knocked me off my feet in no time.
i felt that i was already whole, that maybe you really can function okay in a dysfunctional "i'm settling" relationship. quite honestly i perceived everything from a safe niche cos everytime i would allow somebody to come close to me, i'd only wind up getting destroyed emotionally in the end.. then you fucking came along like an asteroid colliding with the earth and created a massive explosion that could be seen from light-years away and i didn't know how to handle it- to this day i am still astounded at how much of an impact you made.
i think there's a huge difference between thinking you need someone else to be a complete and knowing that, cos of biology and science and the deep feeling in your chest, you need someone. i truly believe this now more than i ever have in my life. it took almost never having you to recognise that the reason i'd wake up feeling a little more alone and extremely lost some days was cos i didn't have you. i could never convey that to you, how much you meant to me and that i really did need you, somewhere along the line it was way past just wanting you and it was terrifying to think that maybe i wouldn't be able to go through life without you. i would, i mean it was possible but i certainly wouldn't feel the relief i feel when i wake up knowing you're there. the moment i made you MINE was etched into stone, this is permanent and there is no chance in hell i'd ever let you out of my grasp. whether you came to me by pure fate or merely just a happy accident, you are the single greatest bloody thing to ever happen to me.
you are my husband, constant, better half, my boy and entire fucking world. most importantly, you are my biggest supporter and best mate. the moon shines brighter and i wake up happier than i ever have been in my life and it's all cos of you. i feel okay when i look at you, the entire world stops and everything- people, thoughts, worries, even time seizes to exist and i am reminded that everything is perfect.. at least it is to me since i am so blessed and in love with the most pure, and beautiful soul. i know you inside and out, your every fear and thoughts and wants, but most of the time you never have to say a single word. you speak my every thought before i get a chance to and i dunno what mental black magic allows you to do this but i enjoy this most about us. our bond is unbreakable, i don't believe any other being could understand it. i am undeniably in love with your constant laughter, genuine heart and your ability to love and care for me like i am the single most important, fragile thing to you. you are a part of me and there is no way around this sounding remotely weird but i feel you in everything i do. no matter what i think about it somehow leads back to you and there is no given moment where you aren't on my mind or invading my dreams.
there is no time i feel more content than when we're laying, even in complete silence except for the faint sounds of your breath against my neck or sleepy mumbling. i could kiss your mouth and trace my fingers over every edge of your body and i think i've done this a hundred times before cos i already have your curves memorised, etched into my brain. you're the single most gorgeous creature in this world. universe, actually. the way your skin stretches over your hipbones, arch of your spine, every sharp edge and every tiny detail even down to the veins in your hands. i love your stupid brain and everything in it, especially your quirky high rambles and filthy thoughts and everything in between. there isn't a single thing about you that isn't flawless, and i wouldn't be so fond of your beauty if you weren't so goddamn exceptional spiritually and emotionally too.
nobody has ever, or could ever love you, care about or cherish you the way that i do. i've terrible struggles translating my feelings into words sometimes but i know you are able to read me and decipher everything i need to say.
i am, in fact, the luckiest sodding living being ever to have you and i don't know what the fuck i did to deserve something so special. i'd fight bones and guts to the death for you and us, you can trust me more than anyone and i promise that i will never let you go or let you down. i love you infinitely, cal, i am IN love with you actually and if you respond to that with 'i know' then i will really know why i ever got a dumb crush on you to begin with. thank you for the past two years, my cheeky babe, and promises for the future. i'm yours.
"When I got up to leave I looked at you, and I tried to think of how to say everything I was feeling. But I've never really been good at describing feelings, I'm only good at describing facts, and love, love isn't a fact. You know? Love, it's it's a hunch at first and then later it's a series of decisions, a lifetime of decisions. That's love. And, I didn't, I didn't know how to express that and so I just said: "I'm glad I decided to call you." And now, um, tonight, I say I'm glad again, for this decision and, all the decisions that will come every day after. Which is to say, scientifically speaking of course, speaking from the point of view of mere facts and logic and you know, what with the science and all... I just thought that it was time for us to make a life together."